Thursday, February 28, 2013

On loss

Wednesday I had my midwife appointment.  I had been having some occasional spotting so I told her about it, she looked at my cervix and said it was just sensitive, nothing to worry about (which I was thinking this was the issue).  She then checked for the heartbeat with a doppler and wasn't able to find anything, again nothing to worry about since it was still in the iffy stage.  But she was thorough and we went in for an ultrasound.  Thankfully the ultrasound tech was there and not busy.

In the ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

I am upset of course, I wanted this baby so bad.  I was in shock for a bit and then of course cried for a while.

But at the same time, I know I will get past it.  It will take time but I will be in a good place soon enough.  Thankfully I have Leland to lean on and love on.  I can only imagine that it helps already having a child to mentally getting past this.  I know I can have another child, this just wasn't the one.

Thursday morning I am going in for a D&C.  Thankfully they were able to get me in sooner rather than later.  I am ready to put this behind me.  I was so anxious for something to wrong in this pregnancy, so much more than when I was pregnant Leland.  I feel like I can relax a bit now.  Even though it hurts, at least I don't need to be anxious about it anymore.

I may be quiet for a bit, but I think you will understand why.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


This might be it.  I think I am excited about it too.  Leland hasn't nursed since maybe Sunday morning.  Honestly I can't remember the last time he nursed.  We have been only nursing twice a day and only when he asked.  The past few weeks there are mornings or evenings he doesn't ask for it, or a full 24 hours without asking but then he would always ask again.

I didn't want to push him to wean because I wanted it to be on his terms.  So this may be it.  But I don't want to get too excited about it because he could still ask sometime this week and start up again.  I am excited though because it wasn't very comfortable anymore but not enough to make him stop.  

If this is it, that means we made it 22 months of nursing.  I am very happy with my decision to nurse this long, it has been really good for Leland and me.  I plan to nurse just as long with any other children as long as they are on board.

I am glad I am not upset about this either.  I was pretty sure I would be upset, but I think being pregnant  helps me not be upset about him ending our nursing relationship.

Monday, February 25, 2013


Lately Jeff has been taking Leland one morning each weekend.  They go off and I stay.  It is nice.  Now that we are in full toddler mode I keep finding the need to have some alone time.  Especially after being with said toddler almost 24/7.

Leland usually enjoys it.  He says bye, is all nice about it, will even give me a hug and kiss before he leaves.  Then when he gets back he is so excited to see me, I am usually excited as well.

It is also good for him to get use to not being with me constantly. (He may not agree on that but I sure think so.)

Monday, February 18, 2013


For some reason I have always been afraid of using yeast in the kitchen.  I hate having a failure in the kitchen, it is one of the worst feelings in the world.  ( And a failure plus pregnancy hormones leads to a meltdown and tears like it did last week.  But nothing a dinner out couldn't fix.)

To me yeast seemed finicky enough to avoid it at all costs.  Jeff was in charge of making pizza and bread that used yeast.  But this past week I got over it and used yeast.  And both times it turned out great.  Once with a pizza and once with french bread.  I am thankful that it went well.  My cooking options have now expanded for the best.

I am going to get a sourdough starter and I am very excited about having fresh bread more often.  Very glad I actually took the leap and went a bit outside my comfort zone.  I think it will benefit me and my taste buds greatly.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Bath time

Somedays an hour long mid day bath is needed.

As long as there are bubbles involved.  Lots and lots of bubbles.

Side note: this is what he does when I ask him to show my his teeth.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Recent thoughts...

Pregnancy makes eating very challenging.  I was going to keep track of what I ate for lunch but that hasn't been going well.  Pregnancy really messes up the whole lunch thing, since now I just want to eat like a typical toddler.  Mac n cheese or pizza for lunch?  Yes please.

Whatever I craved and ate the first few weeks I can't eat for the rest of the pregnancy.  For Leland that was chicken fingers and BBQ sauce.  This time it is cheese quesadillas with avocado and salsa.  Just typing that made me a bit nauseous.  This aversion is expanding to most mexican food in general.  Ugh.

Usually nothing in the house sounds good and I have to scrounge to find something that doesn't make me want to gag.  In general I crave and eat a lot of meat, cheese, and bread.  For some reason when I am pregnant all I want to eat is meat, which is really uncommon for me. But I am all about listening to my cravings within reason- especially when I am craving protein.

Also as soon as I eat something the smell of it or thought of it sounds very unappetizing.  It really makes cooking challenging because then the house smells like that food for the rest of the day/night.

But overall, things are easy.  Nausea happens a couple hours after eating, but not too bad.  I am tired but I go to bed with Leland often (since he still sleeps in our bed).  My breast are not that sore unless Leland is nursing.  The worst symptom is my acne, as it was with Leland as well.

We are still nursing, twice a day at most- morning and evening.  I don't ever ask him if he wants to nurse, he has to ask me, so rarely he doesn't nurse in the morning.  While I kind of wish he would wean, I don't want to push it.  I feel bad about the changes to come with a new baby on the way and don't want to make too many changes if not necessary.  So for now, I am okay with him still nursing and so we will continue to do it.  I am not against tandem nursing, so if it comes to that, I am okay with it.  Mainly since he only nurses twice a day.

I also plan to keep letting him sleep in our bed.  Which is why we upgraded to a King sized bed.  There is now plenty of room for four.  Again, eventually he won't do this but I don't want to make too many changes yet with a new baby coming.  He sleeps in the pack n play for naps, so we always have it set up.  Which is helpful since we may need it at times for the new baby if they are sleeping at the same time- I don't play to let both kids sleep in the bed without adult supervision for awhile.

I think that is all for now.  Have a good weekend :)